Sep 11, Swinging at the air, fighting is exhausting :- Cure - Depression.

I'm Alive Despite Depression

When I was 8 yrs old, I was told the truth about my father. He had committed suicide when I was 4. He had bouts of depression and he was not sure if he had manic depression. He was a twin. His twin brother died in a car accident when they were 21. I really do not have clear knowledge of my father's depression condition. Except that he took lithium and was fine while on his Depression medications. I was fairly happy up until I learned of my father's Depression demise. I guess I felt the ultimate rejection from a parent that could not see me worth hanging around for. I began having fits of anger, mostly taking out rage on myself. As a teenager, I had some bouts with depression. When I was 18, I got pregnant and immediately had an abortion. No one knew about it except my boyfriend at the time. I spiraled into the darkest place afterward, to the point of planning my suicide and pissing off everyone I cared about so, in my mind, they wouldn't feel bad about my death. I had fought my whole life up until that point, not to be like my father. But I couldn't take the guilt or the depression pain any longer. My mom was the only one who could see something was severely wrong. She insisted I go to church with her and I felt I would humor her and after I would end my life. There was divine intervention. This was one of those church's where they call you up to surrender your life to Christ. I did. I fell to the floor sobbing and something amazing happened. "The peace that passes all understanding." I'd heard that growing up in catholic school. Needless to say, I am still alive.

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